Unhappy life

I am doubting whether the life in Sarawak suits me....I used to be a cheerful and talkative girl but since i have step into Sarawak i just feel like my smiles and laughs have just disappeared ....it's just like my happy center is gone....i can't smile naturally from my heart....it's just a forced smile as if it was fake.....i hate to force myself to act....i want to be myself with true feelings and perception....i hate to pretend....i try to live a happy life but i couldn't....i thought that particular day would be a bright and sunny day but it always tend to end up in storm every time. I can't voice out my feelings to anyone here.....if tears do roll down my cheeks i bet nobody will give a hand to me and comfort me....Independence is something where we have to get it through experience....but until now i think.....i havn't got that one yet....anger, jealousy and hatred are infiltrating the pieces of puzzle of my mind slowly..... these are my disadvantages....i think i'm spoilt...but i couldn't change it....this is my personality....i've tried my best to change myself but i can't.......just like what sis have said.....people can't change themselves easily....it takes up a lengthy pathway where you have to discard all your weakness to succeed....otherwise you still have to bear with your own personality....i can't describe my feelings.....it's just like as if a knife has stabbed into my heart where i can't voice out anything.....i really hate it....why am i behaving like this?can i change myself?

Sometimes i wonder...why is my life so sucky?why am i stuck in sarawak?why am i stuck in a course in which i hate it?why do i lead an unhappy life?staying in sarawak is totally a new change in my life...why can't i hav my life where there's neither worries nor sadness?why can't i just be myself cheerful, talkative, enjoying life, nothing to burst my brains...nobody can understand how is my feeling now......maybe depressed, forlorn blabla....since i'm the only child, all the while i'm solving my problems myself...no one to help me...that's good...as i can be independent...but being the only child lacks of communication skills....since small, i've been playing by myself, no siblings to play with or talk with....unless my cousins who are almost the same age as me visits my family or vice versa...i do admit that i seldom smile...maybe since small i've nobody to laugh or smile or argue with....if im unhappy why should i force myself to smile....i do admit that i'm a crybaby...crying is my hobby though....stepping into this university destroys every single portion of my happiness....bits by bits...medicine is not my priority...and including the university itself....maybe those who do not know me very well  with probably think that i'm arrogant....but i'm not emphasizing IM NOT ARROGANT OK....i don't like to smile that's true...so what's wrong with that?nothing's wrong...i think....it's just myself...why should i put a fake smile on my face?when happiness comes, laughing smiling giggling etc. comes naturally....imagine when u r a CEO, u have wealth, health blabla..suddenly you lost everything.....it is definitely a hard time experiencing....i've fallen too since my stpm results came out.....due to lack of a mini minor 0.08 my future becomes darker and darker....as if dark clouds are covering the sky....medicine is definitely not a great course or best course or good future-guaratee-ing course....nothing to be adore.....but the great thing about it is the word help...yes helping people....people who are unfortunate....but sometimes the duration is not worth....the syllabus is too much overloading...lack of holidays....lack of ENTERTAINMENT....lack of anything la....stuck in memorising....rather than applying...brain is not functioning......hate it.....i hate bio stuff...